Miss Shirley D. Licious

If you recall from my previous post about the Gay Bingo, I was so taken by the shenanigans of the Cyber-Sluts that I simply had to become one. Auditions were in May (can you imagine auditions to become something so foul?) First, let's clear the air. No, I'm not a typical cross dresser. No, I'm not going for "the" surgery. And no, I do not dress like a woman just because "that's what gay men do." Despite what you see (yes, those are rainbow colored fake eyelashes), this is an example of breaking the stereotype. I have never had interest in putting on women's clothes. There was once where I played with mom's makeup. When I came out, mom later told me she had started to wonder about my sexual orientation when she saw that light blue eye shadow so beautifully applied. Unfortunately, really liking boys was the last thing on my mind at the time. I put it on then because my life sucked (and not in the good way). Kids at school were constantly teasing me for being fat and boring. To help fit in, I decided to create a back story where I was a trapeze artist in the circus. I wanted desperately to spin through the air with glittery sequins like those hot guys on Circus of the Stars. Isn't that what all nine year old boys want to do in their spare time? It didn't mean I was gay, did it? I planned to wear the makeup to school the next day as a way of impressing the other kids with my "interesting" life of the circus, but my dumb brother ratted me out.

Back to point, this past Friday, I made my debut as Miss Shirley D. Licious at the Utah Cyber-Slut Bingo. The theme was "Trailer Trash," which Shirley did NOT have a problem fitting right into. I see her as someone who believes in her heart that she is the top of fashion and elegance, but comes across as just plain wrong. For example, my elegant evening gown was a house dress from the Wal Mart store. I had nylons for that touch of class, but what really set Shirley D. over the top was the jewel studded flip-flops (also from the Wal Mart store). I figure one can't do "trailer trash" without flip flops and the jewels were simply radiant. They reminded Shirley that she is a princess. A rather randy lesbian visiting from Texas complimented my flip-flops, but chastised me for needing to be reminded about being a princess. I told her, "Honey, my boobs are so big and my shoes so far away that I need all the reminding I can get." Incidentally, the flip-flops were about 4 sizes too small and were incredibly uncomfortable. But, does one sacrifice for fashion? I (and Shirley D.) say yes.

This bingo card was from last month when I brought my mom. Free space is never free - it must be called just like all the other numbers. When playing bingo, I have a knack for picking lousy cards. You may think this was a clear card before a game began, but it wasn't. We were well into a game looking for a horizontal bingo. We were playing a horizontal bingo last Friday as well and a lady didn't understand. She called BINGO with a vertical bingo, not horizontal. This constituted a party foul. As such, she had to put on the "wig of shame' and dance around, working the crowd for money. The Cyber-Sluts help the shamed collect money. The naughty lesbian (mentioned above) gave me her money, but then promptly took it back. She then proceeded to "stuff" my already stuffed bra (eww, I hate that word). In the process of trying to stuff the dollar in, she ripped my house dress open. Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was mostly bare until I had finished dancing around the room. Oh well. I guess they all got a show. Of course, seeing a fat man giggle without the benefit of a house dress in between may explain why I wasn't able to collect any more money that round.

When I auditioned, I mentioned that I wanted to be a slut so I didn't have to worry about committing a party foul. The others said just showing up in character would be foul enough (mocking themselves as much as myself). The flat fact is that I make one ugly woman. But so are the other sluts. That really is the point. This isn't regular cross dressing where we try to become beautiful ladies. We know we are ugly and foul. We do that on purpose, going so over the top that we are really cartoon-like characters. I don't consider the dress as a dress, but as a costume. Now, people in costume freak me out (remember the chocolate bar incident?), but if I am one of them, I can concentrate on being Miss Shirley D. Licious raising money for charity. As Shirley D., I helped raise over $500, which will be divided between the Utah Pride Center and the No More Homeless Pets foundation. My family is still not so sure about this decision (especially my dad who won't even look at the pictures), but we have a lot of fun raising money for charity. What could be better? For those who know me, this is huge for me as social situations usually intimidate me to the point of not even going. Now, not only do I go, but I am one of the "attractions." This picture was taken during intermission. The girl in the middle was having a birthday and wanted a picture with the sluts more than anything. When the crowd saw we were taking pictures, we had an instant line of really hot guys wanting pictures of me and my slutty friends. Can you imagine? We were more than happy to oblige.

Gay Bingo, as my mom found out, is attended by a lot of straight people. It starts at 7:00 PM on the second Friday of each month at the Columbus Community Center in Salt Lake. Again, we raise money for charity while having a wonderful time. You should come next month. August's theme is a Beach Party. Dress up and you might win a prize. If you need a ride, let me know.