A Day at the Utah State Fair

The Utah State Fair ends today after it's annual 10-day run. I never go the last day because I fear it would be too depressing. The vendors who hoped to sell more realize their "big" days are in the past since this is Utah and the majority are somewhere else praying or passing the pot roast or something religious. The animals who endured sprucing up are let go to seed since tomorrow no one will care how great their coats are. Even the vegetables with that shiny coating of wax start to fade. This is why I stay home and enjoy the day in the only way I know how: naked.

Any who. There are a few rules that are followed religiously, unless I decide not to. Since I am a city boy (and a city girl on the 2nd Friday of each month), the fair is really my only opportunity to interact with livestock. The zoo only counts as half an interaction because we can't actually touch a bear or pet a tiger.

Rules for the fair

1) Touch a cow, a pig, a goat and a sheep. Extra points are awarded if they haven't shown the sheep yet and if they have "Please Do NOT Touch the Sheep" signs posted. This is another reason I don't go on the last day.
2) Eat a lemon pepper flavored corn on the cob. This is usually the only time I'll eat corn on the cob. At other times, when a cob is presented, I saw off the corn so I can eat it in a dignified manner. Some call this the old lady method, but I have issues with biting into a hot cob. At the fair, I just chow down on the corn without sawing. The lemon pepper butter sauce they slather on is SO good. This year, a pesky bee kept buzzing around, but I didn't let him have any. I really don't like to share. =)
3) Put our hands into the swirling hot tubs.
4) Visit the Wildlife building where my unintentionally parents left me when I was five years old. Smokey the Bear was shaking people's hands at the door as they entered. The live exhibits of Utah animals (rattlesnakes, rainbow trout and turtles mainly) was simply amazing. Meeting the famous bear was SO incredible that I had to shake his hand again, but since he was the entree act, I figured anyone who shook his famous hand was required to make at least a token appearance through the building's exhibits. I tried to hurry and I thought my parents had seen me, but they were long gone before I finished and exited the building. Bad parents? No. That's just what I get for growing up in a large family. They didn't realize my neurotic tendencies started so young. Luckily, we had established that if any of us were lost, we were to return to our car. After realizing I was gone and looking all over, my mother had a gut feeling to go back to the car. Mom first doubted that feeling because there were like 500 cars in the lot, but I wasn't as dumb as they thought. After the feeling practically hit her over the head that she needed to go to the car, she did. My mother hasn't ever been so happy to see me as she was that day. This year, unfortunately, the wildlife building was just a bunch of dumb poster displays and fliers. No animals and NO Smokey the Bear. At least Rebecca's parents didn't lose her while she fulfilled obligations brought on by hand shaking a famous bear.
5) Eat a corn dog. The fair corn dogs are awesome with extra fat injected in.
6) Tease a vendor into thinking you are interested in their product.
7) Take pictures of the butter sculpture.
8) Take a tour of the hand-crafted arts building and say, "I'm better than that. Where's my blue ribbon?" at least 14 times, promising to race home and start crafting tomorrow for next year's fair. Of course, I never do, so next year I'll have something to complain about.
9) Look through the county exhibits and complain about why Salt Lake County's exhibit (the capitol and host county) either sucks or why, like this year, SLC County didn't bother to even submit an entry. I bet Peter Corroon, SLC County Mayor, walked through and mumbled, "We're better than that. Where's our blue ribbon?" I'd tell him the same thing I tell myself, "You need to be in it to win it." If I see him on his re-election drive, I won't ask about the soccer stadium or fiscal responsibility. For me, it's all about showing up the other counties. Or is that showing down the other counties? Not sure, but I'm annoyed all the same.
10) Count all the people who are heavier than I am. This may sound cruel, but it is one of the few things that boosts my self esteem. Even on my fattest day, there is a good bet that at least 147 heavier people (this year's number) are trudging or wheeling themselves on scooters through the fair. Seriously, we could group together and create our own parade. We'd better not, though, because the moment we started, people would probably boo and start throwing things at us like corn dogs and funnel cakes and we all know that would be the end of the parade. For those of you who know me, only counting 147 fat people really bugs me. I'm all about achieving a cool number. I know there were at least 3 people who were fatter than I am who didn't get counted this year. They were probably sobbing behind the sheep building after realizing there were corn dogs available for $3.00 when they just paid $5.50 for one. Can you believe it? $5.50 for ONE corn dog? I can get a whole box for $3.00 at the Wal Mart store, but that's a depression kicking trip I save for other parts of the year.

This year, I went with Rebecca and her parents, Michelle and Dave. We had a great time with all the above rules. Rebecca was our resident cow toucher, but I was first in line to pet the pigs, goats and sheep (no sign, so only standard points). The animals all had uniquely putrid smells; much worse than past years. That is why Rebecca is holding her nose in the pig and sheep pictures. Seriously, would a couple of Airwick Stick-Up's and a can of Febreeze break the State's budget? Come on! They are probably on sale, even. Or better yet, get enough for next year and maybe they will give a volume discount. We were pleased to see stations of hand sanitizer at the exits to the various barns. Of course, the smell made us want to bathe and gargle with it, but we lived (in case you wondered).

We annoyed a magic marker sales lady who thought for sure she had at least one sale and maybe two. The pens were really cool in that they would change color when another pen ran on top of them, or disappeared all together. Friends could write secret messages to one another with the "invisible" ink. But, she wanted $24 for a pack and that was my entire net worth at the time.

Rebecca rode a pony and genuinely looked happy doing it. I tried years ago and the horse tried to eat me not once or twice, but three times. This time, I stayed on the outside of the fence. A few years ago, Rebecca's interest in riding a pony instantly dissolved when she was put onto the tame creature. Her screaming made me wonder if we were still shopping at the WalMart store. This year, she was easily the cutest little girl there.

The butter sculpture was really cool this year. It seems they have finally shrugged off the Winter Olympics themed butter sculptures. Although impressive and yes, we all enjoy a sentimental journey down memory lane, it was six years ago and I'm glad we have finally moo'ved on (little cow humor there). I have included the picture this year's sculpture was based on. It doesn't show, but they added broken eggs (shells in one section and below, a perfectly shaped egg white/yolk). You can see the spilling gallon of milk (buttermilk, I guess you'd say) they added on the right by the cat. I'm super impressed.

This year something new was introduced, which is extremely rare since the Fair has been "just add water to last year's mold" for decades. They had a hands on discovery farm exhibit for the kids. Rebecca gathered corn from the grain silo, fed it to the cow, then milked said cow. She then went on to gather seeds, plant them, then harvest her tomato (other kids planted/harvested onions and carrots). She picked an apple from an orchard, drove a tractor and sheered a sheep. Rebecca then took the products of her labor to market where she sold them to a distributor who gave her a State Fair dollar bill. From there, she went to a grocery store and bought food (an apple) with the newly earned money. This hands on approach to teaching kids how things get on their plate was incredible. I wish they had that exhibit when I was a kid.

I'm including a short movie of Dave and Rebecca going down the big slide. I was dumb and turned the camera thinking I could simply rotate the image later. Nope. Sorry. =( So, kindly turn your head. If you are afraid of turning your head, then feel free to watch the movie sideways.