March Madness with the Utah Cyber-Sluts

l-r Katherine Heartburn, Lucky Charms, Shaneeda Derriere, Madame Fonda Dixx, Chevy Suburban and yes, Miss Shirley D. Licious. The two in front are not sluts, if anyone wondered. They are representatives of the Utah Lupus Foundation, the charity for March's Gay Bingo. This month's theme: Mardi Gras.

Bingo with the Utah Cyber-Sluts is never boring. It is riotous fun that usually leaves me exhausted with throbbing legs and feet for days, but I don't care. It is good for me to get off the couch and help with such a worthy group. Much of the pain is probably due to the shoes that have become a Shirley D. Licous staple, if not tradition: Pink jewel-encrusted flip-flops from the Wal-Mart store. They are the only piece of the wardrobe that hasn't changed in the months since last July when I first joined the ranks of the Sluts.

For those who need a reminder, the Utah Cyber-Sluts are a bunch of guys who dress up in campy drag to raise money for charity. Half of the money raised goes to support the Utah Pride Center and the other half for a designated charity. March's charity was the Lupus Foundation, a cause that has personally touched my family. Pictured above with the sluts is the Lupus Foundation representatives. We raised a record $3,000 in one night. Any way you split it, that is a lot of cash. When compounded by the dire economic times the world is currently facing, the feat becomes astounding.

In the past year I have been attending (before becoming a slut) and participating (as a slut), thousands and thousands of dollars have been raised for charities like AIDS research, the Lupus Foundation of Utah, No-more Homeless Pets and the Children's Box House. Some of my friends and family have been critical of this venture because they say it is just wrong for men to dress up in women's clothes regardless of the good that may come of it. Although my family members may personally benefit from the money raised last Friday night, it was very disheartening to hear they would never consider attending. Well, to hell with them. Being a Cyber-Slut is something that I'm very proud of.

It is not easy (the above mentioned flip-flops are easily four sizes too small and hurt, not to mention the looks on people's faces as I ask for help in picking out a bra or in finding just the right shade of lipstick), but when it comes down to it, I'm willing to put all of my personal inhibitions aside, grab my girdle by the bootstraps (has there ever been anything less comfortable, except maybe a corset?) and become Shirley D. Licious on the 2nd Friday of each month. Here, I am showin' a little leg and asking, "Who's yo' mamma?"

Part of the success of Shirley D. Licious has been the support of my friends. Lynda and Paul have been encouraging me from nearly day one. Their word of mouth now requires them to reserve at least one full table (think ward dinner size) and sometimes two. They are both amazing. Lynda takes charge of my camera during bingo and has taken most of these shots. Thanks, Lynda and Paul. You guys are incredible.
This was Marilee's first time to bingo. She fit right in and had a blast. Here she is posing with Miss Chevy Suburban, one of the most experienced sluts around. Before the night was over, she and the others were planning their costume for next month's pajama party themed bingo.

Turns out, Marilee is quite the boob squeezer. The rule with the sluts is that they can squeeze ours only if we get to squeeze theirs. Fortunately for me (and Marilee), boobs scare me, so I didn't return the favor. Marilee is no longer a bingo virgin, and I think that's awesome!!!

This is a shot of the bingo table with some of the prizes. I like this picture because it shows my bingo example board. I made it a few months ago so no one would be confused about what game we are playing. The bright pink circles can easily be seen from the back of the room. Here, for those of you not familiar with bingo, the board is demonstrating a picture frame. =) And yes, even with the board, someone called BINGO with just a horizontal row. That, also for those who may not be familiar, is what constitutes a party foul.

In the short video clip, (yes a bit boring in the middle) is someone in the stage audience (did I mention record attendance of just under 300 people?) getting a party foul. Not only do they get to wear the wig of shame and later dance through the audience for money, they were "boo'd" off the stage. Our stage audience was so enthusiastic. Although last month included our first nudity (Michael slipped his boxers off as I rushed through the curtain), this was the first time I've seen boy-boy kissing. There was no question a good many of the stage audience boys were going to get laid later, but that is a different story.

Bottom line: I'm very proud of my work as Shirley D. Licious. If you don't accept that I'm gay or that I dress in women's clothes to raise money for charity, then to hell with you. But, if you like to have fun and it becoming a little naughty (no, not raunchy) while doing it, then please come to next month's bingo: April 10th 7:00 PM at the Columbus Community Center in South Salt Lake (400 East and 25th South). We'd love to see you there. I suggest coming early.

A Day on the Farm

On Friday last week, my five year old niece, Rebecca, called and invited me to her house for a game night. We used to get together at least weekly for games and activities throughout much of her youth, but that changed when her family moved to Layton (33 miles each way, which is a lot of gas when finding an extra $5 for a prescription at the Smith's store is frequently too much). The whole blow up about Prop 8 and Equality Utah's Common Ground Initiatives in the Legislature didn't help either, but that is not the focus here. The point is, Rebecca had issued an "Operation and Candy Land Throw Down" and as I had been "served," I simply couldn't stay home.

Being clever as I try to be, though usually unsuccessful, I arranged for the whole party to "go down" at my brother's house instead of my sister's. This allowed us to include my niece, Londyn (age 3), in the games and to see my newest niece, Irelynd (yes, they are saving Antarctyca for their next baby).

The kids were super cute. It ended up that Operation (the original plan for the evening) was shelved because Londyn didn't like the loud noises it made (the new version has the guy sneezing at the most inappropriate times just to throw you off. When I played it with Rebecca at the New Year's party, it was not long before I wanted to throw the whole game into the dumpster.). We did play Candy Land (Londyn won) and Hi Ho Cherrio where I was the victor. Rebecca didn't care. She was more interested in just spending time with all of us, though she was already planning a rematch before the night was over.

For Christmas, I gave Rebecca a set of hand puppets and a stage from IKEA (LOVE that store). This was my first time to see the puppets in action, though it was Londyn and not Rebecca who had the most fun with it. The puppets are a pig, frog, chicken, horse, cow and a lamb. There were also a collection of safari finger puppets. Not sure at this point which pictures will make the cut. They were all cute, but Londyn stole the show.

Winter, winter...

From these pictures, it is hard to believe Peter Cottontail is fluffing up his tail and getting ready for his big hop. This March storm came in just long enough to clutter up the morning commute and dumping a couple of inches; most of which landed on my front stairs.

The pictures don't really give it justice, but every branch and twig from the surrounding trees and bushes was covered with a delicate layer of snow. It was truly beautiful. The wonderful thing about March snow storms is they don't last very long and the snow melts quickly. Case in point, I was thrilled when I returned home that night to see my stairs clear without my having to shovel them. YEA!!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be another spring storm. At last watch of the local news report (KSL, not those other amateur channels), the clouds and accompanying cold front were on the Utah/Idaho boarder with snow already starting in Logan and rain in Wendover. Yup, it should hit during the night just in time to clutter up another commute. And considering tomorrow will be the first commute since Daylight savings time kicked in, I'd better leave plenty early to allow time for the extra high number of "Grumpy Gerts" on the road. I'd say something about them being a menace, but I'm afraid I'm probably one of them. When some goof cuts me off, I'll just calm myself by thinking back on how beautiful the snow covered twigs and branches looked (truly one of my favorite sights), then cuss her out like a sailor in heat.